Yes, I wrote it all myself!

So Christmas is right around the corner, so I have a present for all you nursey types. Enjoy!

The Night Before Christmas, Hospital Style

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the ward
Not a patient was stirring, no sound to be heard;
The IV bags were hung on the poles with great care,
In the hopes they’d keep dripping, not fill up with air;
The patients were tucked up all snug in their beds,
While visions of discharge danced in their heads;
The charting all done, the nurses all sat,
And had just settled down for a long winter’s chat,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their chairs to see what was the matter.
Away to room 7 they flew like in flight,
Tore open the curtains, and threw on the light.
The lights on the patients, pale as the snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to their faces below,
When what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a great big ol’sleigh and eight fat reindeer,
With a driver in scrubs and headed straight for the wall,
They knew in a moment it was the doctor on call!
More slowly than snails those fat animals came,
As he whined, and snarled, and called them by name;
“Now Pre-op! Now Pnemo! Now PE and Staph!
On Chemo! On Cipro On Flagyl and Ancef!
To the top of the hospital! To the roof of this place!
Now move your fat asses and pick up the pace!”
So up to the helipad the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of BP cuffs and stethoscopes too.
And then in mere moments the nurses heard from the roof
A sound just like thunder from each reindeer hoof.
The nurses drew in their breath and looked out to the hall,
Standing there with a scowl was the doctor on call.
Wearing surgical green form his feet to his head,
He was rumpled and mussed like he fell out of bed;
A bundle of equipment he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he’d just finished at least one six-pack.
His eyes – they were bleary! His expression not merry!
His face was all haggard and his nose like a cherry!
His dry little mouth was drawn up in a frown,
And the beard on his chin was days-old and brown;
The cap of a pen he held clamped in his teeth,
And his stethoscope wrapped round his neck like a wreath;
He had a narrow face but a big old round belly,
That shook when he walked like a bowl full of jelly.
He was tired and grumpy not at all like an elf;
And the nurses backed up in spite of themselves.
A slow blink of his eyes and a shake of his head,
Succeeded in filling the nurses with dread.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work,
Ripped the bandage off one patient’s arm with a jerk,
Then sticking his fat finger right up his nose,
He turned on his heel and up the staircase he rose;
Lumbered up to the sleigh, cracked the whip with such force,
That the reindeer took off like a team of wild horses.
They heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“It’s Christmas goddamn it, don’t call again tonight!”