The Worst and Best Day

Before I start, I want to say that everything with the baby is fine. This is so my relatives and friends don't freak out when they read my story.
Yesterday morning started out bad. I woke up and I was bleeding. Not a lot, but it was pretty bright, and there was some mild cramping. I didn't call the doctor right away because my appointment with her was in a hour anyway, but I was concerned. I had spotted a bit during my pregnancy so far, but it was minimal, with no cramping so far. It didn't help that I read in my pregnancy book about molar pregnancies. These are pregnancies where an empty egg is fertilized. All the other tissue is there, but it grows abnormally. So the woman feels pregnant, but no baby. It is rare, but I know a woman who had one. The two main symptoms are bleeding and cramping. So, I immediately started to worry that this was what I had.
Just before I left, my husband called from the doctor's office. The appointment was for 10:30 but he was there at 10. I told him I would be there soon. On the way to the office, I tried to talk logically with myself. I really had no indication that there was anything wrong except for this morning. By the time I left the house, the spotting and cramping had stopped. But there was still this nasty little voice in my head saying maybe there's something wrong. I tried to shut it up by thinking, when I have my appointment I'll hear the baby's heartbeat and everything will be okay. Then just as I was starting to look for parking, I got a call from the doctor's office. Apparently my appointment was for 10:15, so I was now late. I pulled into the first parking spot I could find and ran to the office.
When I got there, the usual office visit stuff was done. My urine was checked for sugars and protein (no worries there) and I was weighed (I gained about 2.5 lb). Then the doctor did a breast exam and got the doppler. I was nervous and excited and anxious. The doctor spent what felt like forever looking for the heartbeat. She said it is hard to find because it's still early. I tried to relax while the doctor kept moving the doppler around my lower abdomen. The longer I waited the more frightened I became. Finally, the doctor gave up. No heartbeat. I have never been so disappointed in my life. It felt like every fear I've had about my pregnancy was just confirmed. The doctor told me I could have an ultrasound today, since I was spotting, just to see what was going on. I agreed and immediately burst into tears. Even now, remembering how scared I was makes me feel like crying again. I can't even describe how bad I felt. I was still crying when I got dressed and went to the waiting room to get my ultrasound appointment. I know that John felt bad for me and was frightened too, probably as much about my reaction as the baby. I could not stop crying. After a few minutes, I got an appointment for 2:45 that afternoon.
John had to drive to his store and do some stuff, but he promised to meet me at the ultrasound lab. Then I called my mom on her cell phone. I should have waited till I got to my car because I couldn't hear her, and she couldn't hear me, and I was trying to explain what was wrong as I was crying, and it was just a big mess. Anyway, we managed to arrange to meet at my house. I barely remember the drive home except I was thinking that if there was something wrong with the baby, I would hate the Justin Timberlake CD that was currently playing in the car.
So Mom came over and she was so reassuring and let me tell her what I was thinking and part of why I was so scared of miscarrying (just before I found out I was pregnant, one of my co-workers miscarried for the second time in a row). Then she blessedly distracted me with gossip and talk of better stuff. We had a lovely lunch, and she kept me company until I had to leave for my appointment. Just before I left, I started to feel better. I started to think how cool it would be to see my little Peanut, if there was one. I even said to the baby, "Time for your big debut!"
I got to the appointment a bit early, and my bladder was absolutely bursting. You have to drink a litre of water an hour before the appointment and you're not allowed to pee. I was nervous when my name was called because John wasn't there yet. The technician assured me that he would be directed to the right room.
The tech confirmed my information and then asked about why I was having the ultrasound. I told her about the spotting and cramping and no heartbeat. Her immediate response was, "Is this your first pregancy?" I laughed and said yes, that's why I was so paranoid. John still wasn't there, but I thought here it goes. I mentally steeled myself to see what looks like snow on the TV, since that is supposedly what a molar pregnancy looks like. And, no snow! Just a beautiful little peanut, waving its arms and legs around! It was absolutely fascinating; I could have watched that screen all day long. Right in the middle of the baby was a little area fluttering just like "butterfly wings in light" as my stepdad described later. The tech explained that the fluttering was the baby's heart. Just then John came in. I excitedly told him everything was okay. The tech took some measurements, including the fetal heart rate (167, normal), and length (3.5 cm). She told me the baby was in the right place in the uterus and it all looked good. Then she gave me my first baby pictures! As soon as the ultrasound was done (and I gratefully emptied my bladder) I called my parents and told them the good news. I was positively giddy with happiness. I could not stop smiling.
So now I have one less thing to worry about this pregnancy, although I know it won't be the last. I also know it won't be the first time the baby worries me so much I'm crying. But that's the joy of parenthood, I guess. Today, I feel a bit silly for freaking out so much, but I'd much rather feel a bit sheepish than spend the next week or two afraid of the worst and not knowing. And as John points out, we got baby pictures out of the ordeal. So one of the worst days I've ever had turned out to be one of the best.

Sympathy Nausea

My husband just called to find out if I was feeling nauseated this morning. He said that he's been feeling queasy in the late morning and early afternoon lately. I actually read about partners of pregnant women experiencing similar symptoms, and it looks like that's happening to my hubby. It's funny but really sweet too. My poor honey! If you're reading this, I'm sorry both of us have to be nauseated, but it's kind of nice to know you understand. I love you.

Milestones

I just realized that in two weeks three momentous things will occur:
1. My step-daughter will have her baby, making me a GRANDMOTHER.
2. I have my first prenatal physical, where I will hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time.
3. I will have my Nintendo Wii.
I have also realized that this is my tenth post. Wow. There must be something going on in the universe.

Not for sissies!

Okay, I admit it. I really thought this whole pregnancy thing would be a breeze. I thought that I would be so excited to finally be pregnant after about 2 years of trying that every day would be a delight. I was arrogant (and foolish) enough to believe that I would be above the mind-numbing fatigue everyone else had because I was fit before I got pregnant. I would still do pilates through my first trimester, and then move on to prenatal yoga. Because I did not get morning sickness right away, I thought I was magically immune. Surely I would be able to eat everything I needed to in order to be healthy; I woulnd't be reduced to eating one thing everyday because it was the only thing I could tolerate. Boy was I wrong!
Before I was pregnant, I almost always stayed up until 1am. I work evenings, so I usually get home around 11:15pm. I only have to get up before 10am if I have an appointment of some sort. So, my pre-pregnancy routine was to come home from work, get ready for bed, and watch TV or read until around 1, and then sleep in until 10am or so. Now, I'm lucky if I can stay up until midnight, and I get up at least twice in the night (more about that later). On the nights I don't work, I can barely stay up until 11:30 to watch "The Daily Show." I still get up at around 10am. And I'm still tired all day. A book I read likened it to being on nighttime cold medication, and that's an accurate analogy. For much of the day, I feel like I've had a big dose of NyQuil (for more on how this makes you feel, read my sister's blog). And exercise? Are you kidding? Walking up a flight of stairs makes me winded. I've never felt so out-of shape in my life.
And then there's the nausea. The closest thing I can compare it to is when I would get motion sick if I read on the bus. Most of the time, it's not so bad that I have to stay in bed, but it makes me feel uneasy because, every so often, my stomach gives a lurch that makes me consider how far it is to the nearest bathroom. Of course the really bizarre thing is feeling nauseated and HUNGRY at the same time. This is not a "oh yeah, I could eat something" kind of hunger. It is the "if I don't eat something right now, someone will be hurt" kind. And there is absolutely no middle ground. I'm either not even remotely interested in food, or I'm ravenous. But because I'm also somewhat queasy, there is often only a couple of things at the time that are appealing. I thought my friend Sandy was silly because in the early months of her pregnancy, all she ate were cheese sandwiches. Now I understand the appeal, because grilled cheese sandwiches have become my saviour. And ginger ale.


Now, I know that I sound like a great big whiner, especially if you've never experienced the miracle of pregnancy. But lest you think this is one big rant, let me tell you about the greatest invention ever: anti-nausea bands.


These little wristbands have a plastic button on them that fits over the NEI-KUAN point on each wrist. This is an accupressure point that reduces nausea, and boy does it work. The first day I wore them, I had absolutely no nausea. I was even able to eat chocolate, which I have been unable to even contemplate before. Yesterday I thought they weren't working because I was still nauseated, but when I took them off, my queasiness went from "mild" to "severe". So, basically they aren't miracle workers. But they allow me to function, so as far as I'm concerned, they're money well spent.
So, I've been humbled by pregnancy, but I've found ways to survive. And I AM really excited and happy to be having a baby. Thanks for reading my whining, and if anyone has any advice or comments, feel free. I'm off to make a grilled cheese sandwich.